CAVING IN

Technically I am not considered to be in the "pre-mentstruation" category right now, but I'll tell you what...

"...a disorder characterized by several days of mental or physical incapacitation of varying intensity, headache, insomnia, emotional lability- anxiety, depression, irritability, loss of concentration, poor judgement, and mood swings..."

seems to describe me quite accurately. My emotions seem to be verging on fanatical. I am high and low, frustrated then happy, irritated and overwhelmed, impatient and uncomfortable, at peace, restless, tired, weepy, and joyful. I feel like a mess in so many ways- working to channel myself to a river where only good things flow. I'm searching for serenity. Baby Ellie- please make an early arrival.

FINALLY

This boy has been out of town, and he's finally coming home to me.

I've missed him. I want his warm body sleeping next to mine at night cause things don't feel quite right when it's not. I almost forgot how handsome he is. Almost.

That gorgeous blond hair of his. I just can't get enough.

Welcome home honey. xoxo

ANOTHER DAY

YOU FILL MY THOUGHTS

What's on your mind today? Lately, I seem to have the same recurring daydream...

Little Ellie Layne, you're all I wanna think about. You and your daddy have taken up permanent residence in my mind. I love my little family. I feel so lucky to be a mama.

UPDATE

Even though my church starts at 12:30 and I didn't get out the door to leave til 12:35 yesterday,

I knew I had to walk as soon as I saw this.

 The weather was kind to us, just the way it should be on Easter. 

The blossoms around here have me feeling like a kid on Christmas eve. Every day I gasp and smile as I drive around in my car- observing the newly forming buds, the blossoms advancing from puff balls to miniscule leaves, and as each individual tree transforms on its own timetable. Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to see this without a driver's side window obstructing my view, but up close and personal- close enough that I could touch.

Admittedly, I was extremely disappointed yesterday when I walked into the chapel and there WERE NOT any flowers on the podium. However, the spirit of the Easter meeting was undeniable and did double duty to make up for the lack of physical beauty inside. I loved hearing the story again of the miraculous resurrection of Jesus Christ. Easter is the most significant day in all of history, and how happy I am to know that.

To make up for the flowers that weren't inside the church, I saw my share as I walked slowly back home... breathing in the fresh air that no longer burns your throat and freezes your ears.

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I am about 37 weeks along now and feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster. Sometimes I am completely content with the prospect of living for three and a half more weeks with this little girl inside me, and other times I feel like crying because I want so badly for that time to come. I am DONE gaining weight. I repeat- I am DONE gaining weight. I just don't know why my body isn't getting the memo. I'm trying my best to be patient, to enjoy this time, and to continue with a positive attitude. But today when someone at work asked me how I was feeling and I responded with my automatic cheerful, "Good!" I stopped for a minute and thought... three and a half more weeks of telling people I feel good when some of the time I REALLY don't... that's getting old.

Three and a half more weeks of a fatigued body that still has to get up at 6 am. Three and a half more weeks of jumping around with school kids all day long. Three and a half more weeks of more weight, more stretching, and more stomach. Three and a half more weeks til I can lay on my back and stomach. And three and a half more weeks til I meet my baby girl.

Three and a half weeks Ellie Layne... that's all you've got.

You hear me?

LADY LUCK

Looking back through some old photos I couldn't help but smile when I saw this one. I was destined to have a girl first. My mom had a girl first. My sister had a girl first. My other sister had a girl first... And now me. I will finish off the Baum family tradition and bring yet another lady into the bunch. I look like a baby myself in this picture- but look how happy I look. What could be better than being surrounded by a car-full of girls?... I guess maybe if there was a little more pink in the picture.

OH, IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY

I like today already and it's only 8:36 in the morning. Once again I am amazed at the tender mercy that sleep is. Yesterday I came home from work, ate a huge bowl of cereal, glanced at a magazine, and took a two hour nap. Five hours later, I was lucky enough to crawl back into bed- again- read a little, write a little, and fall quickly into dreamland. I love to sleep.

Today's agenda includes work at school, work at the studio, an errand to the mall for baby shower hostess gifts and possibly a diaper bag, a trip across to the street to the most wonderful and dangerous place ever: Yogurtland, and a sweet date with my couch, a blanket, and the movie "Babies." BJ's known forever that I've wanted to watch this movie and even though it's been at Redbox for the past month, and even though we rent a Redbox practically every day, this movie has purposely been avoided by mine truly. Well tonight is the night, and "Babies" is what I will be watching.

It's gonna be a good day.

THE LOW DOWN

I'm so tired today it hurts.

Last night around 10:30 I beckoned BJ into the bedroom and asked him if he'd lie down next to me. Tears welled in my eyes and he held me in his arms as I told him how exhausted I felt. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead about a hundred times. We talked about the baby coming, my ever-growing belly, and how we missed spending time together as we were both so busy this week. I can't believe how magical it is to have a spouse that is your best friend. I love my husband so much it hurts. I never want to live without him.

Up until this point the events of the day have been successful and happy- just a little glazed over from the lack of sleep that's been so prevalent in my life this week.

In addition, I have some magnificent photos that I've been itching to share since my break from blogging last week. So even though it's cloudy, cold, and windy outside today, here are some photos that perfectly document my indescribably wonderful week of spring last week. 

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I am intoxicated with spring this year. I wish I could drink it in. It is so beyond gorgeous, so filled with life, a renewal of green and pastel, and also the time that I'm gonna meet my first born.

I anticipate a walk with Ellie each day after she comes. I imagine pushing her in her new stroller (thanks Pugmire girls!), stopping for picture breaks, stopping for nursing breaks, stopping for breaks to calm a crying baby, turning around to head back home when bad weather looms or when baby girl just isn't wanting to walk the same way her mama is. But oh how I drink in my surroundings when I go on walks. I usually don't make it out of our apartment complex parking lot without stopping to take a picture of something that looks unusually beautiful that day. I think sometimes a photo lens works the same way that rose-colored glasses do.

With this current spring fever, I have developed a major urge to garden, to put my hands in the dirt and enjoy the nurturing quality that is necessary to tend a plant (or two or three.) Since we live in an apartment and don't own the land that surrounds our home, we don't have much authority to create any sort of outdoor garden bed, but I didn't let this hold me back. Plants were on my mind this last week and no one was gonna stop me. I swear I could have spent hundreds of dollars on gardening tools alone. I dream about the day I can learn to plant and harvest vegetables in my own yard, with my little children tromping around in their crocs and sunhats lending a helping hand... (because I made 'em. :) ) 

I will admit that my kitchen feels a bit like a jungle, and I did find an EARTHWORM under the rag in my sink the other day. (It still makes me shudder to think about.) But there is something so satisfying about traveling from room to room in my house, watering can and plant mister in hand, to tend and care for each individual shrub. I don't know if I'm any good at gardening, but I do know that yesterday one of my tiny pansies was drooping and lifeless and after close examination, quite a bit of water, and a new position on the sill, that pansy was standing tall by the end of the night. Perhaps this is my warm-up to taking care of an actual baby. Maybe I won't care a lick about these plants when little Ellie comes around... But for now, I'm gonna keep on watering, keep on nurturing, and keep on fueling the fire of this new passion in me.

Once again... happy spring.