February 24, 2013

Thoughts on Mothering a Boy

I have a boy living inside of me right now. As far as I can tell, he is calm and relaxed. Through the kicks I feel, the ultrasound footage I've seen of him, and the glimpses of his spirit I've been able to pick up on, he is quiet and peaceful. He seems to have a gentle spirit.
I don't know what it will be like to birth and mother a boy. Ellie's gender is so interconnected with who she is as a person, and my only experience with motherhood is in raising a daughter. Lately, more than ever before too, I feel like Ellie and I gel remarkably well. We "get" each other. She is my little mimick- wanting to do and help with everything I am doing. She is feminine through and through, and I already feel like our personalities click as "friends" as much as they do in a parent/child sort of way. Raising a son will not be the same as raising a daughter. I know I will love him. I do not question that. But I still feel like the idea of raising a boy is like walking into a new school on the first day... there is a lot that is unknown, and it's hard to be confident about the things you don't know.
One thing I do know is that when I taught elementary school for 3 years I was pathetically smitten for my boy students. They were silly, and smelly, and awkward and so irresistably adorable I could have hugged them for an entire recess. (Some of them at least...) I also know that I love BJ in little baby/toddler/boy/and awkward adolescent form just about as much as I love him now. Oh I tell ya, if I have a little boy that looks all freckly and blonde like BJ used to, he might just sufficate from all the smothering cuddles and kisses I give him.
I pray (literally) that he and Ellie love each other. I pray that they don't just love each other cause they're siblings, or that it doesn't take till they're adults for them to appreciate each other. I hope they adore one another and that they learn what a good girl/boy woman/man should be from the example of one another. I hope little brother makes Ellie laugh, and I hope that Ellie holds her brother to a high standard- because she's knows just how good of a guy he is.
I know that picking out boy names STINKS.
And I know that my little son is coming to be raised by a man who can show him how to be one of the kindest, most caring, genuinely good-hearted men in the world. And boy is he lucky.
Hey little man,
Hope you're excited to join us.
We've got a pretty awesome crew down here, and our house rocks.
Love, love, love,
Daddy, Mama, and little (big to you) Ellie Layne
p.s.- what in the world are we supposed to name you?