September 26, 2014

Thoughts and Ramblings

I'm going to bed tonight with a very full heart. I had a spiritual experience today that touched me on such a profound level that I can't keep my mind from serious contemplation- like my mind is trying to play catch up to the things that my spirit already knows so deeply. We speak so much in our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) about the disconnect that often happens between spirit and body. Our bodies are carnal, sensual, and devilish, right? And on the other hand, they are temples. They are glorious in and of themselves, and on the other hand can be such an obstacle to master. I find the same to be true for the mind. Sometimes wisdom and truth and knowledge are distilled in my mind, and other times, the devil twists and turns and slips pride into every little available crevice he can. Today I had an experience that obliterated that wall between my proud mind and my sensitive spirit, and I am feeling so grateful.
It's a story that is hard for me to explain without possibly being offensive, so I will be vague. But I hope that by writing it down, I will be able to recall this impactful event that occurred through such regular, mundane means.
I simply delivered dinner to a friend in the ward who is having a difficult time and had one of those dream-like moments where everything comes together, your thoughts become clear, and you literally see the hands of God working in your life, and what could be a big flashing neon sign of what the Lord has been trying to teach you. As a result, I am feeling humbled and grateful that we live where we do, and are in the ward we are in. I know that we found this home, and we ended up in this ward, because the Lord needed us here, and we needed to learn from these people.
 I am humbled by the selflessness of friends that I have. One woman in particular that is literally always doing something for someone else. She has five children of her own, and yet is always tending others' children whenever a need arises for the given mother. She is more willing to serve than possibly anyone I have ever met. I am in awe of her example, and want to be more like her. I want to not think twice about saying yes. Because I can.
I am grateful that we don't live somewhere with its own socio-economic bubble. Since I grew up in an affluent area in Provo, UT and all of my closest friends were very well off, and BJ grew up in a similar circumstance, it is a great blessing to us to have a break from that for a while. It has touched me in more ways than one, on multiple occasions. It teaches me, and humbles me, and grounds me over and over. It helps me strive to be less selfish, less proud, less concerned about myself and everything I appear to be. It helps me remember that there is a bigger picture, and this plan of the Lord's is so all-encompassing. Tonight as I sang the words "Where Love Is, There God Is Also" to Lorenzo I realized a truth in that I never had before. Wherever love is- God is there, be it mansions or slums, temples or run down apartment buildings.
Our lives were not meant to look the same. 
I am grateful that BJ has been able to provide such a comfortable, lovely life for us, and that we can live somewhere where I feel safe, comfortable, and happy, and we can do things we enjoy.
We had a scare last week finding a lump at the base of Lorenzo's skull on the nape of his neck. I called the pediatrician and he wanted to see us right away, so I got really nervous really fast. I was bracing myself for the worst and trying to picture and prepare myself for the difficult new life I thought we might have ahead of us. Today while I was washing dishes and looking out the window I thought of my healthy children, and my happy marriage and life in contrast with friends and family members that are facing very, very difficult circumstances right now. Often we think that eventually something terrible may happen to us, and it may. But the fact of the matter is, some people have really hard lives filled with painstaking trials, and other people don't. I realized that now, while we are having our turn in the sun, and life is good and we aren't battling our own war everyday with personal trials, we better pull up our bootstraps and get to work helping those around us. We have so much, and that means we have so much to GIVE. We have such a responsibility to help, and to serve, and give of our time, energy, talents, and means. Because we can. We have so much to give.
The Lord is in the details of our lives. I love when I am blessed with moments like these where thoughts, experiences, and lessons are woven together to create one great landscape. All at once the pieces are all carefully put together and I get to see the big picture that Heavenly Father has been waiting for me to see and understand. That is His grace, and today, I get it.