My Working Man

I am so proud of my husband. He has entered this new phase of his life with so much gumption and grace. He's  jumped head first into being a father and a provider and never looked back. Last year he went from being a soccer playing college athlete, student, and part time coach to a father who is now the sole breadwinner. He started working for his dad in August and started at the bottom of the totem pole, as you may remember here. He has been patiently chugging along with his head down and his shoulder to the wheel. He is learning the ropes and finding success. He is a diligent employee. He is tenacious and lovable. He is timely in everything he does and he is an excellent communicator. I am so proud seeing this ambitious, determined side of BJ manifest itself in his work. I also love the way he balances his family life with work, his church calling, and his "play time." On Friday he rearranged his work schedule so he could meet me at the hospital and take care of me and Ellie. Yesterday he took Ellie with him at 2 o'clock because he wasn't going to be able to meet me at 4 like I needed him to so I could teach dance. He basically has become this he-man for me this year. I am so proud of him. Like the saying goes, "A man is never taller than when he's on his knees." I feel like BJ has never been more strong and admirable to me than he has this year. He has stepped up to the plate in a big way. BJ, you are my Superman. (Or Wolverine, because he's way better, and I like him way more than Superman.)

(BJ next to his new work truck. July 2012)

Because this picture makes me laugh...

(Ellie on my sister's back)

and I could use a good laugh today.

On Thursday I was Pregnant, and on Friday I was Not

 I was only 8 weeks along, but it still feels surreal to wake up in the morning and know that I'm only "partially" pregnant, that Ellie won't have a sibling here in April, and that of the 4 girls in my family, I am the only one who has ever had a miscarriage.

I spent most of the day yesterday in the emergency room, because my doctor was nervous about how much blood I was losing. I knew before I went in that I had probably lost the baby after a long night of many trips to the bathroom, several changes of underwear, soiled sheets,  and lots of tears. I had spent a good deal of time crying, and by the time I got to the hospital I felt emotionally numb. BJ made phone calls and rearranged his work day so he could meet me there and help with Ellie. Doctors and nurses drew blood, set up a port for an IV in case of dehydration, ran and ultrasound, and diagnosed an "incomplete miscarriage"- meaning that there are still remnants in my uterus that will continue to be naturally dispelled over the next few days.

 It's ironic how the the thing that is most upsetting in the beginning, the fact that you are powerless in the situation, is the thing that is the most comforting in the end. This entire process has been out of my hands. When I started bleeding and cramping severely on Friday morning I wished I could make it stop. I knew that it wasn't good for my baby and I was upset that I couldn't do anything to restrict it. Now, however, I trust that my body and Heavenly Father make a good team, and they know what is best for that little baby.

I've been surprised by the physical side of a miscarriage. I always expected that a miscarriage would have a great emotional toll, but I never knew how grotesque and upsetting the physical process would be. The cramping and bleeding continue, and the loss of blood has me feeling weak and tired. For me it has been a drawn out process, and will continue on for a couple more days, and possibly more if my body doesn't remove everything on its own. My heart goes out to the women who have had one or mulitple miscarriages, and especially to the women who were further along than me. I imagine that if I had heard that baby's heartbeat, and seen it alive on an ultrasound screen, I think of knowing the gender, or calling that baby by name this process would have been excruciating. 

I have been so comforted throughout all of this. BJ held me in bed on Friday while I cried and said "I'm sorry" over and over again. He was there at the hospital with me holding my hand during the ultrasound. I am glad that we had just told our families the news, because I wouldn't have wanted to do this in secret. For the first time I have been able to recognize that I can feel the prayers in my behalf. I feel strengthened, and loved, supported, and comforted. And although Ellie Layne has absolutely no freaking idea what is going on, she loves me, and that is all the support I need from her. I am sad she won't have a sibling to play with and torment in April, but some day soon we'll see another little pink line on a pregnancy test, and we'll have a healthy nine months of walks, food aversions, baby preparations, and name deciding.

I feel an increase of gratitude for the daughter I do have, and for my role as mama. My little family is everything to me.

Cousins

In the last few months Ellie has had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her cousins. Now that she's a little older, and can interact and keep up with the kids a little bit better herself, she likes nothing more than having some playmates around. 

Last week Courtney was here with her family for the weekend and Ellie was pleasantly surprised when Berlynn snuck into our apartment on Friday morning. She played with the three girl cousins (Savannah, the two month old wasn't quite ready to play) all morning until it was time for her nap. When she woke from her nap, she immediately ran to the apartment door to track down the girls and whimpered and whined and cried when I told her they had left. We are thrilled that soon there will be two more grandchildren on the Pugmire side come November.

 These pictures with Addie and Ellie kill me. Addie is such a tiny little whipper snapper. She looks like Ellie's coach running alongside her. And can I say how much I love that innate motherly instinct of little girls? How is it that a six year wants to nurture and take care of a little one? When I went downstairs the other day to check on Ellie these older Pugmire cousins were in dress-up clothes with pillows stuck underneath to make a pregnant belly. Natural born mothers.

And back at home in Utah last month, Ellie fell fast and hard in love with those Baum cousins. Her oldest cousin, Montana, basically took on the role of mother over Ellie for the three weeks we were there. When BJ and I were in Lake Powell we'd see pictures of our baby on instagram hiking to Payson lakes and playing in the backyard with captions like, "She likes me more than her own parents!" Ellie LOVED Tana but I don't know if I'm ready to go that far. ;) 

 

What a blessing that little Ellie will get to grow up with all these darling, sweet, and good children to be her best friends.

Yorba Regional Park

Yesterday morning Ellie woke up before six, so we were off to an early start. By seven we were at the park, but weren't home til after nine. It was fun to start our morning that way, and I am so relieved that Ellie finally loves the swings.

The Other Day...

I put this adorable new outfit on Ellie, took her on a walk, and thought we were off to a great start. By the end of the day I was calling BJ to save me. She hadn't napped all day, nor had she the day before, and I was exhausted. I wanted a break. When BJ got home from work he found me sprawled face-down at the end of our bed, and Ellie screaming her lungs out in her crib. (That gurgly, mad cry she does just makes me furious sometimes.) He swept her up, and drove her to McDonald's to get an ice cream cone. I fell asleep at home, and she fell asleep on the way there. BJ wasnt about to let her sleep on their date though, so he got her out of her carseat bought her a cone and said she looked drunk eating her ice cream because she was so tired. She fell asleep on the way home, but when BJ got her out of her carseat to put her in bed her diaper was messy. We had run out of diapers and when he came to ask me where they all were and Ellie saw me she unraveled. Her bedtime couldn't come soon enough.

It's funny now looking back at these pictures that are so adorable. Hopefully in a few years I won't remember what a horrible day this actually turned out to be.

Plants to Water

As you may already know, BJ and I live with his parents. They have a beautiful, new home that we are blessed to enjoy. BJ's mom is a busy lady, and travels a lot. When she is away we inherit the duty of watering her plants. This Wednesday Ellie and I got to work early in the morning starting in the backyard, onto the side of our apartment, then to the front, and then finishing with the house plants. With all the planters and pots in and around the house I counted that in total there are

89

plants to water at the Pugmire residence. Luckily they don't require watering every day, but that's still a lot to keep up with. No wonder Ellie loves the hose so much. She sees her Sweetheart spending a lot of time with one in her hand. Like grandmother, like granddaughter.