September 8, 2012

On Thursday I was Pregnant, and on Friday I was Not

 I was only 8 weeks along, but it still feels surreal to wake up in the morning and know that I'm only "partially" pregnant, that Ellie won't have a sibling here in April, and that of the 4 girls in my family, I am the only one who has ever had a miscarriage.
I spent most of the day yesterday in the emergency room, because my doctor was nervous about how much blood I was losing. I knew before I went in that I had probably lost the baby after a long night of many trips to the bathroom, several changes of underwear, soiled sheets,  and lots of tears. I had spent a good deal of time crying, and by the time I got to the hospital I felt emotionally numb. BJ made phone calls and rearranged his work day so he could meet me there and help with Ellie. Doctors and nurses drew blood, set up a port for an IV in case of dehydration, ran and ultrasound, and diagnosed an "incomplete miscarriage"- meaning that there are still remnants in my uterus that will continue to be naturally dispelled over the next few days.
 It's ironic how the the thing that is most upsetting in the beginning, the fact that you are powerless in the situation, is the thing that is the most comforting in the end. This entire process has been out of my hands. When I started bleeding and cramping severely on Friday morning I wished I could make it stop. I knew that it wasn't good for my baby and I was upset that I couldn't do anything to restrict it. Now, however, I trust that my body and Heavenly Father make a good team, and they know what is best for that little baby.
I've been surprised by the physical side of a miscarriage. I always expected that a miscarriage would have a great emotional toll, but I never knew how grotesque and upsetting the physical process would be. The cramping and bleeding continue, and the loss of blood has me feeling weak and tired. For me it has been a drawn out process, and will continue on for a couple more days, and possibly more if my body doesn't remove everything on its own. My heart goes out to the women who have had one or mulitple miscarriages, and especially to the women who were further along than me. I imagine that if I had heard that baby's heartbeat, and seen it alive on an ultrasound screen, I think of knowing the gender, or calling that baby by name this process would have been excruciating. 
I have been so comforted throughout all of this. BJ held me in bed on Friday while I cried and said "I'm sorry" over and over again. He was there at the hospital with me holding my hand during the ultrasound. I am glad that we had just told our families the news, because I wouldn't have wanted to do this in secret. For the first time I have been able to recognize that I can feel the prayers in my behalf. I feel strengthened, and loved, supported, and comforted. And although Ellie Layne has absolutely no freaking idea what is going on, she loves me, and that is all the support I need from her. I am sad she won't have a sibling to play with and torment in April, but some day soon we'll see another little pink line on a pregnancy test, and we'll have a healthy nine months of walks, food aversions, baby preparations, and name deciding.
I feel an increase of gratitude for the daughter I do have, and for my role as mama. My little family is everything to me.


18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss Ellery. I will send a few prayers your way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Elle you are so sweet and so close to the spirit. We have been tearful for your loss and you have been on our minds and in our hearts. We love you and your sweet little family. If you need anything I'm just a phone call away. Love you honey!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh ellery i'm so sorry! you have such a good perspective and your faith and trust in the Lord is inspiring. You will definitely be in our prayers. Cutest little family ever.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So, so sorry you had to go through that. Beautiful perspective though. Prayers headed your way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. And I just have to add... my word verification was 'getsbetter' I thought that was suspiciously timely, yet very true. I does get better, little by little. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  6. If you have the chance pick up the book "Gone To Soon". It is a purple paperback sold at DB :) I have read snipits of the book but I have been told it is helpful to those that have had miscarriages and stillborn babies.

    You are a beautiful person inside and out and I know you will become even more beautiful because of this experience. I appreciate how much thought and love you put into your divine role as a wife and mother. You are an example to many. We love you and will pray for your sweet little family.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ellery I just saw this post and want you to know that you and your cute little family are in our prayers. This EXACT thing happened to us this last week (I was 12 weeks along and just had my D&C last Tuesday) and it has been such a roller coaster of a week. It is such a crazy thing to feel so connected to a little baby that you've never met, but how grateful we have been for the Gospel. Thanks for being such a great example to me and please know that we are thinking of you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Elle I just want to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. You are such a strong little lady and can conquer anything that comes your way. You are in our constant thoughts and prayers. I know so many people are praying for you and your sweet family, you will feel the power of prayer more than you ever have. The love of our Savior is one of the greatest gifts that we have been blessed with, it is what gets me through the tough days. Love you so much Elle! IF you ever need anything please call.

    ReplyDelete
  9. my heart aches for you. i had a still born at 25 weeks last year and a miscarriage this year, they are such horrible experiences but ones where you can grow closer as a family and to your heavenly father. youre in my thoughts, hoping for a speedy recovery and that you will have another little babe on the way soon! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ellery, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sad for you, but look up to your incredible example, so so much. You have always been the cousin I kept my eye on, and wanted to be just like. You have so many incredible traits that I admire tremendously. The outlook you have on life, and situations like this is such strength, that amazes me. You are such an amazing mother to little ellie. I told my mom what happened earlier this morning after reading this, and later tonight said that she couldn't get you off her mind. We love you, and are sending our prayers your way. I love you so much ellery, thanks for the incredible example you have been to me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ellery, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to experience this. I can only imagine and at the same time I can't even imagine what it must be like. You are a beautiful person with such a positive outlook on things. You are strong and will make it through, it is evident just from your post that you will manage and become stronger from this. I love you, my dear friend! I'll keep you in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh sweet Ellery. What a sad and lonely thing to deal with. We'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are wiser than your years, Elle. I'm so glad to have read this. I've been worrying and praying for you and this was a great comfort, knowing that you really are doing remarkably well for what you've just experienced. I love you so much and wish I could have been there in person to do something for you. Distance is a frustrating thing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ellery- That was a wonderfully worded post and you are wise beyond your years and experiences. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Unfortunately I have been where you are more time then I care to count. If you need anything or have questions I am here and might have some insight. We are praying for you guys

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ellery, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are doing okay, thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ah, Elle, I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage in July and I know how exhausting it is - in every way imaginable. You'll be in our prayers. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Ellery, my heart just aches for you. I have been busy and didn't get to see your blog until just now. You are such a strong and amazing woman, and you live a life of faith, which is why I think God has trusted you with so much. My prayers go to you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My prayers are with you Ellery! This post was so powerful! You are such an amazing mom! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that pain. I hope things are looking up and you are just so lucky to get to spend each and everyday with that darling Ellie of yours! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete