November 23, 2011

Stream of Consciousness

I'm in Utah for Thanksgiving visiting my parents and the place that still feels like home.
I took a walk this morning and this time I wasn't accompanied by a large stroller and a sixth month old baby girl. Today I walked while Ellie napped at grandma's and BJ waited outside her room switching the t.v. back and forth between football games, soccer broadcasts, and his new favorite comedy, "The Big Bang Theory." I reveled in the silence, the stretching of my legs, the crisp fall air, and the leaves that piled in every house's front yard. My heart felt at home. I feel confident here in Utah. I feel important. Known.

I walked the sacred hill by my parent's house that I paced back and forth, back and forth the night before Ellie was born. I plead with the Lord on that hill- begging him to send Ellie to me that night. I wanted to meet her. I was ready to be a mother for real. I wanted to hold my baby in my arms- not just in my belly. The Lord heard me that night and my labor began just like I had asked for. Every time I walk that hill now I am humbled and grateful. That will forever be a special place to me; the last place I was alone before my little one came to me.

I was alone this morning again- something that doesn't happen often anymore as the mother of an infant. My head was swimming in thoughts and ideas, wonders and wishes. I thought about the year of August 2010- August 2011. I thought of that year, how it was my favorite of all. It was full of purpose and direction. I was becoming a mother. BJ would soon graduate. It seemed to me that life would then begin. I had so much to look forward to. I contrast those feelings now to the phrase I've repeated lately to BJ that "there doesn't seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel." We don't know what we're doing. BJ's working hard at a job that he doesn't enjoy, but is unsure of other possibilities.We're living with BJ's parents and are completely overwhelmed and intimidated by the idea of getting out on our own eventually. Some days I can't imagine having another child- taking care of one already has me feeling inadequate at times. Life is weird like this. The ebb and flow of good and difficult times is unending.

Right now our patience is being tested. Right now our trust in God and His promise to provide is what we're relying on. Right now we're taking one day at a time- sometimes enjoying it, sometimes not. But we have a baby that we love. We have a place to live. We have food to eat. We are surrounded by family that support, love, and sustain us. We friends that care about us and make us laugh. And most of all, as cliche as it might sound, we have each other. And man oh man, how much better it is to go through a challenging time with your helpmeet at your side.

This Thanksgiving is all we could hope for. Time for a break. Time for a place where we started our life together. Time for rest. Time for each other. And inevitably, time for lots and lots of food.

Oh... and it's our 3-year wedding anniversary on Friday. Hooray!

1 comment:

  1. You will make it through this challenging, unknown time..We feel the same way. It is kind of just a will get better! Enjoy your precious baby girl :) She is adorable! We miss you at school, oh so much! Hope you have a perfect thanksgiving with your mom...nothing is better than mother's home cookin'