"Smile. Your Mom Chose Life!"

The title of this post comes from a bumper sticker I saw today at the beach. I wish the back of everyone's car said this.

...............

In the early, early days of my motherhood I realized one night that though I had spent the entire day taking care of Ellie, I still didn't feel like I had had enough time with her. It hit me that I had become a woman of duty- seeing as it was my responsibility to take care of her. But basically what this role of duty had turned into was me: feeding the baby, changing the baby, calming the baby, bathing the baby, and feeding yet again. I realized that I hadn't played with her. I hadn't talked to her. I hadn't looked at her as I stood and swayed her to sleep. My job of mother had become just that- a job. Everyone else wanted the baby while she was happy, so inevitably, I got her when there was business to attend to.

It goes without saying... I felt like my mother self was missing the point. 

I sat in bed and thought. How was it possible to spend an entire day with this child and still feel like I hadn't really seen her?

I prayed that night- prayed that I would not let the days pass me by like this. I wanted to enjoy being a mom like I had wanted to be for so long. I wanted to enjoy my baby. I wanted to see her; to be able to picture her face when I closed my eyes. I wanted to ensure that there would be some time every day when I wasn't just a mother of duty.

It's funny because still, even with the effort I make to hold her- really hold her, and play with her the way I really want to, I still get a feeling of longing at night. I don't want this little one to grow. I don't want her to leave me one day. I don't want her to turn into a sassy teenager that rolls her eyes at me. It's weird being a mom, because here I sit, just ten minutes ago SOOOOO ready for Ellie Layne to fall asleep already... and now... a little sorry that she did.