IRRESISTIBLE

LAST NIGHT I KNELT IN A TIGHT BALL ON THE CARPET FLOOR NEXT TO MY BED TO PRAY. IT WAS A LONG PRAYER, AS PRAYERS ARE AT TIMES, FULL OF THANK YOUS AND QUESTIONS, REQUESTS AND PLEAS. AND THEN...

TEARS.

AS I PRAYED ABOUT ELLIE LAYNE, THE SIXTEEN-WEEK-OLD BABY IN MY STOMACH, I CRIED. I PRAYED FOR HER SPIRIT, FOR HER PHYSICAL BODY, FOR HER MENTAL CAPACITY AND SOCIAL SKILLS. I CRIED BECAUSE I FELT- SWEETNESS. I IMAGINED THIS LITTLE GIRL... A LITTLE GIRL COMING TO ME AND BJ... COMING STRAIGHT FROM HEAVEN. I FELT SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL AND OVERWHELMED IN THE BEST WAY. TO BE HONEST, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT A TRUE CONNECTION WITH THE BABY INSIDE ME.

I REMEMBER A FEW CHRISTMASES AGO WHEN MY BROTHER DONNY CONVERTED ALL OF OUR OLD HOME VIDEOS ONTO DVD'S FOR EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY. I REMEMBER WATCHING, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, MY MOM AS A NEW MOTHER WITH MY OLDEST SISTER JESS. THEIR HOME WAS SMALL AND TIDY- BEAUTIFIED WITH THE TOUCH ONLY MY MOM POSSESSES. I WATCHED AS MY MOM COOED AND TICKLED, CUDDLED AND KISSED JESS IN WAY THAT TOLD YOU THAT THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS MY MOM'S WORLD. I HAD ALWAYS KNOWN MY MOM WAS A FANTASTIC MOTHER, THAT SHE CARED FOR ALL OF US WAY MORE THAN SHE EVER CARED FOR HERSELF.

BUT I WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT AS MY MOM HELD AND TALKED TO JESS, HER FIRSTBORN. IT SEEMED AS IF NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD EXISTED- JUST MY MOM AND THIS LITTLE BABY, AND THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

THE GIFT OF MOTHERHOOD WAS PALPABLE IN THAT SHORT VIDEO CLIP.

AND I FEEL LIKE I RECEIVED A TINY GLIMPSE OF THAT LOVE LAST NIGHT AS I PRAYED. I FELT A COMMITMENT, AND A DESIRE TO PROTECT AND LOVE AND UNDERSTAND THIS LITTLE CHILD LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YET?

I'M NOT QUITE SURE. HOWEVER, I KNOW THAT I ALREADY KNOW ELLIE. I DON'T REMEMBER HER- NO, BUT I REMEMBER THOSE FEELINGS OF LOVE. AND I PROMISE HERE AND NOW, THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE PROUD TO BE HER MOTHER.

AND ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE SEVERAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF ELLIE SETTIN' UP CAMP IN MY TUMMY- THOSE PICTURES AREN'T HERE ON MY COMPUTER. HOWEVER, I DO HAVE THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE NEPHEWS AND NIECES IN THE WORLD- CHILDREN THAT MAKE ME LONG TO CREATE SOME MYSELF. (WITH THE HELP OF BJ OF COURSE.)

HERE'S TO CHILDREN- THE MOTIVATION THAT STARTED THIS ALL...