BABY LOVE

I'M TWELVE WEEKS ALONG AND FEELING LIKE MY STOMACH IS BARELY BEGINNING TO POKE. THE ABDOMINAL MUSCLES DON'T RESPOND IN QUITE THE SAME WAY THEY USED WHEN I TRY TO PULL MY STOMACH IN, THE BOTTOM PART REMAINS CONTENT AS IS...

JUST A LITTLE POKE.

LUCKILY, THIS SHOT WAS TAKEN THIS MORNING- PRE-BREAKFAST- SO THE BUMP IS BASICALLY NON-EXISTANT.

HOW EXQUISITE TO BE A WOMAN-

THE GENDER CHOSEN TO CARRY CHILDREN.

I REMEMBER WANTING TO SCREAM WITH CURIOUSITY WHEN KATIE GAVE BIRTH TO BABY JUDE LAST MARCH.

I WANTED TO KNOW SO BADLY WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE.

I WANTED TO FEEL HOW MY BODY WOULD RESPOND TO PREGNANCY.

I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE THE NEAR-IMPOSSIBLE FEAT OF GLIMPSING THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH THROUGH LABOR.

I WANTED TO HOLD A CHILD- MY CHILD, CLOSE TO MY BARE SKIN AND FEED THEM.

WITH ONLY ONE OF THOSE TASKS ONE THIRD OF THE WAY ACCOMPLISHED, I AM AT LIBERTY TO SAY THIS.

IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S SURREAL, BUT IT'S AMAZING.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, I CAN'T EVEN FEEL THE BABY INSIDE ME YET.

AND STILL, THERE ARE EVER PRESENT REMINDERS THAT MY BODY IS DOING SOMETHING AMAZING.

EXHAUSTION THAT RETURNS DAY AFTER DAY AROUND THREE O'CLOCK, NO MATTER HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP I GOT THE NIGHT BEFORE.

A SENSITIVITY TO FOOD AND A DESIRE TO FEED MY BODY WHAT IT NEEDS- NOT JUST WANTS. NAUSEA AND DIZZINESS.

MY PREGNANCY SO FAR HAS BEEN SO MANAGEABLE.

MANAGEABLE AND FASCINATING.

THE CURIOUSITY I FELT IN MARCH IS SLOWLY MELTING AWAY AS PERSONAL EXPERIENCE REPLACES WONDERING AND DREAMING.

 AND AS I LIVE THROUGH THIS, AND SEE FIRST-HAND WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE TO DO THIS WHOLE PREGNANCY THING, THERE IS STILL ONE EXPERIENCE I CONTINUE TO DREAM ABOUT, AND PRAY FOR, LONG FOR, AND REMAIN CURIOUS ABOUT.
I DESPERATELY ASK MY FATHER IN HEAVEN EACH DAY THAT I WILL LOVE THIS CHILD, THAT I WILL HAVE A FEELING WHEN THAT CHILD IS BORN THAT IS SPIRITUAL AND UNFORGETTABLE- BECAUSE THAT- MORE THAN THE BABY KICKING INSIDE- THAT FEELING OF UNRESTRAINED LOVE AND COMMITMENT
IS WHY I WANT TO BE A MOTHER.