Beejer and Me

ME.

I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY.

ME.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

CASSIE CAME INTO DANCE YESTERDAY AND SAID I LOOKED LIKE I WAS ON HAPPY PILLS. AND THEN SHE SAID, "AND THEN I THOUGHT....

AND SHE'S PREGNANT!"

"SHE'S PREGNANT RIGHT NOW."

AND I HOPE I LOOK LIKE THAT.

I HOPE I LOOK LIKE I'M ON HAPPY PILLS, 'CAUSE BEING BLESSED WITH THE INSANELY INCREDIBLE ABILITY TO CREATE, AND GIVE BIRTH TO, AND MOTHER A CHILD FRESH FROM HEAVEN IS THE FREAKIN' COOLEST THING IN THE WORLD.

AND I FEEL HAPPY.

I FEEL SO HAPPY.

AND I FEEL SO BLESSED THAT IN THE FIRST MONTH OF TRYING, WE GOT PREGNANT.

AND I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN, A WEEK AND A HALF AGO, A DOCTOR SHOWED US OUR TINY BABY IN MY STOMACH.

AND IT WAS MOVING.

IT WAS KICKING AND WIGGLING ITS TINY, TINY LITTLE ARM BUDS.

AND THAT BABY'S MINE.

THAT BABY'S DEFINITELY MINE, CAUSE NO CHILD OF BJ'S WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT SITTING STILL.

ME.

I'M GONNA BE A MOM.

I REMEMBER DRIVING HOME FROM WASATCH DANCE CENTER ONE NIGHT AND CRYING IN THE CAR- CAUSE I KNEW. I KNEW THAT MY MAIN PURPOSE IN BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH IS SO THAT I CAN BE A MOTHER.

AND IT'S GONNA BE SO HARD.

IT'S GONNA BE SO HARD AND I'M SCARED FOR THE DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT A GOOD MOTHER.

CAUSE THIS IS WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. IT'S WHAT I'VE WANTED ALWAYS- MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I WON OUTSTANDING DANCER AT NYCDA NATIONALS AND SOME CAMERA MAN CAME UP TO INTERVIEW ME AFTER THE AWARDS.

HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED TO DO WITH DANCE WHEN I WAS OLDER- WANTING SOME ANSWER ABOUT HOW THIS WAS THE GREATEST SPRINGBOARD INTO A SUCCESSFUL DANCE CAREER THAT I COULD HAVE ASKED FOR.

AND MY ANSWER WAS, "WELL, ACTUALLY- I JUST WANT TO BE A MOM."

I WAS SIXTEEN.

I KNEW.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THOSE GIRLS THAT DREAMS ABOUT THE NEXT PHASE OF LIFE. I THINK THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS HAD A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL. I KNEW I WANTED TO BE MARRIED. I KNEW I WASD MISSING OUT SINCE I WASN'T MARRIED. AND I ALWAYS KNEW THAT 

-MOTHERHOOD-

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.

AND HERE IT COMES.

I CAN'T WAIT.

THE THOUGHT OF NEXT SUMMER IS INTOXICATING.

THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A BABY WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO. THE THOUGHT OF STAYING HOME- AND BEING THE ONE THING THAT BABY ALWAYS NEEDS.

AND THE THOUGHT OF DOING ANYTHING TO MAKE MYSELF MORE LIKE MY MOM, OR JALAYNE, OR ALL OF MY SISTERS THAT I LOVE, OR MY GRANDMAS, OR MY FRIEND MCKENZIE IS AN APPEALING ENOUGH MOTIVATION ALONE TO HAVE A BABY.

A DIRECT QUOTATION FROM MY JOURNAL WHEN I WAS IN FIRST GRADE READS:

"I LOVE TO COLOR. I MIGHT BE A ERDEST WHEN I GROW UP! UOR I MIGHT BE SHAMOS UNRER AT SEA WLOUD. UOR I'LL JUST BE A MOM. AND I'LL BE A GOOD ONE TOO! MOM IS GOOD TOO. BUT ALL STILL BE NEURMEL. I'LL BE GOOD."- ME, AGE 6, MAY 1994

I KNEW.

I STILL KNOW.

A MOM IS WHAT I WANT TO BE. I AM JUST SO HAPPY IT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BE.